


I Hate Myself For Loving You

by ellebeedarling



Series: The Long and Weary Road [1]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Character Study, Drowning Sorrows, F/M, Introspection, One-Sided Relationship, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-19 00:21:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19345705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellebeedarling/pseuds/ellebeedarling
Summary: Ashley contemplates the crush she's developed on her CO as she drowns her sorrows in pink, fruity cocktails.





	I Hate Myself For Loving You

**Author's Note:**

> Title Track: [I Hate Myself For Loving You](https://youtu.be/bpNw7jYkbVc) by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
> 
> This is the first fic in a series that will eventually be a Tali/mshep romance. There will be a background Shepley romance running through the story as well. 
> 
> Each fic will have a song or lyric for the title, and I'm working on a fanmix for the series. Series title comes from the song [I Am the Highway by Audioslave](https://youtu.be/725iONdAu9Q)
> 
> Consider this fic the first introduction of Commander Finnegan Shepard. I've been working on this story for years but I haven't been able to get it to come together like I want it to, so I'm basically starting from scratch. I hope you'll come to love Finnegan as much as I do!

The last night of shore leave and Ashley was spending it alone. 

 

The thump of the bass in the club reverberated through her skull, but she hardly noticed. The fuschia drink in front of her kept her spellbound while visions of the last week swirled through her head.

 

In one sense it seemed only yesterday that she’d been patrolling her route through the colony of Eden Prime with her squadmate Nirali by her side. Mostly, however, it seemed like a whole other lifetime ago. 

 

Tranquil, picturesque Eden Prime - every colonist's ideal - had been virtually destroyed, by a Spectre of all people. The Geth, who hadn’t been seen in Council Space in nearly three hundred years, had served as his footsoldiers, razing the colony and its inhabitants to the ground. The shock of that destruction, the loss of her entire squad, still hadn’t worn off, and despite keeping it together on the outside, inside she was reeling. 

 

It seemed as though she hadn’t stopped running since the first shots rang out in the colony, and she had to admit that having the time to sit and brood over the events wasn’t doing her any favors. The nightmare loop that she couldn’t escape even in sleep kept a constant vigil in her mind, but now that she was still, it was impossible to push them away. 

 

“Excuse me.” 

 

Ashley turned to see the pretty reporter that Shepard had helped earlier in the week smiling expectantly. She wasn’t sure she possessed the mental fortitude to remember the woman’s name - or to be polite - at that moment. Wordlessly, she turned back to her drink. 

 

The last time she’d seen her, Shepard’s tongue had been shoved so far down her throat she was surprised the woman had been able to breathe. She hadn’t meant to be spying, but the pair didn’t seem overly concerned with discretion.

 

The Commander had had her pressed against the door of an apartment near the markets. The poor girl couldn’t even manipulate her omnitool to unlock the door. Shepard’s octopus arms were groping everything until, with an impatient huff, he paused long enough to bring up his own omnitool. The interface switched from red to green and the couple tumbled into the room as the door swooshed open - Shepard laughing and the reporter sputtering, “Did you just hack my apartment?”

 

Ashley had rushed to get away at that point but hadn’t made it before she saw the Commander pushing the woman’s skirt up past her knees, not even bothering to get off the floor. From her quick glimpse, Ashley was pretty sure the woman -  _ Erica? Ella? _ \- wasn’t complaining. 

 

Several nights had passed since that one. Ashley had a strong suspicion that Shepard was visiting with the asari consort at that very moment, but perhaps this woman was hoping for another go before they shipped out. 

 

“Aren’t you a member of Commander Shepard’s crew?”

 

_ What was this damn woman’s name?  _ Something _ with an E! Elizabeth? Elaine? _

 

“No comment,” Ashely muttered. It would drive her crazy until she figured it out, but at least it would be something to take her mind off the turmoil in her brain. 

 

“Strictly off the record. I’m an old friend of Fin… of... Commander Shepard. I was just wondering if you’d seen him since his Spectre appointment this afternoon.”

 

Snide and uncharitable thoughts flitted through her mind. She couldn’t help it. In the wake of everything that had happened, she’d developed a fierce crush on her soon-to-be commanding officer - Commander Finnegan Shepard. 

 

Rookie mistake. 

 

The man was a walking wet dream - sapphire eyes, razor-sharp cheekbones, diamond-cut jaw, and built like a brick shithouse to boot. It should seriously be against the regs for CO’s to look that damn good. Really, she couldn’t be blamed for falling for him, but she freaking knew better than to go there. She’d worked damned hard for the posting on Eden Prime. Though it had always been her dream to serve with the fleet, she knew her name held her back. It’s why she’d been careful, worked her ass off, and always tried to be the best of the best. 

 

It had finally paid off and she couldn’t afford to screw it up by screwing around with her CO. Maybe he could get away with it now that he was a Spectre, but she wasn’t sure she wanted him to. He didn’t seem particularly discriminate about his sexual partners, but really… who was she to judge? She hadn’t known him long enough to form an opinion. And hell, maybe it had just been a damn long time and he was taking advantage of the fact that women were throwing themselves at him left and right now that he was the first human Spectre. 

 

“Haven’t seen him,” she told the woman, hoping she’d go away. “Figured he might be with  _ you. _ ” 

 

Jealousy was so unbecoming. 

 

This childish crush was just her body’s response to all the stress and trauma she’d endured over the last several days. Nothing more. In a week or two, things would even out. Maybe she’d luck out and the guy would be a total dick, and that would kill this crush before it had a chance to really take root. Unlikely. She’d seen enough of his altruism and charm in the week since she’d known him to know that he was playful but sincere. She was so screwed! 

 

The reporter -  _ what was her fucking name?! _ \- simply smirked. “Finn and I have known each other for a long time,” she said. “Speaking of the devil…”

 

“Emily!”

 

Shepard’s deep voice sounded from behind Ashley, sending butterflies careening around her stomach.  _ Emily! That was it! _ His scent enveloped her - sandalwood and cinnamon - and Ashley gripped the bar tightly. 

 

“Hey, Finn.” 

 

Shepard walked up to the woman -  _ Emily  _ \- and slung his arm around her shoulders. “Williams, you remember Emily Wong.” His piercing blue eyes were glittering with excitement, which seemed to be a perpetual condition. Besides his model-worthy looks, Finnegan Shepard constantly exuded a boyish excitement about every situation he found himself in. 

 

“Oh yes. We were just talking about you.” 

 

He cut wary eyes toward Emily, who shrugged. “Em and I grew up together,” Shepard offered with a sigh. “We’re good friends.” 

 

“Clearly.” 

 

The commander signaled the bartender for a round of drinks then lit a cigarette with an ancient-looking flip-top lighter before turning toward Ashley with an amused grin. “Is that…  _ jealousy _ I detect, gunnery chief?” 

 

“Absolutely not, sir.” 

 

With a huffed laugh, he turned back to face his friend. 

 

“Still with those things?” Emily asked him, waving her hand through the smoke of Shepard’s cigarette.    
  


“Yep. I sense your next big expose` coming: First Human Spectre: Addicted to Nicotine!” 

 

“Ass!” 

 

Shepard laughed again and leaned closer to the reporter. Ash couldn’t make out exactly what they were saying, but she was certain she heard the words “consort” and “ _ very _ appreciative” used in close connection. 

 

Honestly, could the man be any more cliche? A beautiful, adorable, goofball playboy. She hated that he was affecting her so. But acknowledging it didn’t stop the pain lancing through her chest at the memory of Shepard’s lips on Emily’s or the way he was leaning close to her now. 

 

“I think I’m going to call it a night,” she announced to no one in particular. She fully expected Shepard to ignore her or maybe wave her off, but suddenly he was in her face, eyes focused and attentive. 

 

“Are you alright to get back to the barracks, Williams?” 

 

“I…” 

 

Ashley wasn’t the kind of woman who liked to need anyone, much less a man like Finnegan Shepard. But she also wasn’t an idiot. For all the glamour of the Citadel, there was a seedy underbelly, and she knew it wouldn’t be safe for an inebriated woman to walk these streets alone no matter how well trained she was. 

 

“Maybe I had a bit more to drink than I meant to.” 

 

Shepard nodded, no-nonsense, downed his drink, snuffed out his cigarette, and turned toward his friend. “Gotta go, babe,” he said, kissing her forehead gently. 

 

Ashley looked away. Her stupidity had cost him an evening with his friends, and god only knew when they’d get to have another night off. 

 

“Be careful, Finn,” she heard Emily say. 

 

“Always.” The pair embraced, and then Shepard was catching Ashley as she slid off her stool and nearly crumpled to the floor. “How many of those did you have?” 

 

“I dunno… five? ...six?” 

 

“Jesus,” Shepard muttered as he hooked her arm over his shoulders and hoisted her to her feet. “The barracks is only a few blocks away. I hate to waste the cab fare.” 

 

“I can walk,” Ashley assured him. The floor churned mightily. 

 

“Sure you can.” Shepard’s chuckle rumbled through Ashley, and before she knew it, the raucous music of the club had begun to recede. “Guess it’s a good thing I showed up when I did.” 

 

Ashley tripped, nearly bringing both soldiers to the ground.    
  
“Dammit!” Shepard huffed and lifted Ashley into his arms. This was likely the closest she’d ever come to being held by him. 

 

_ You’re so strong _ , she thought. 

 

“Thanks. I work out.” Shepard winked at her.

 

“Did I say that out loud?” 

 

“‘Fraid so.” 

 

Ashley buried her face into his chest. Another mistake.  _ He just smelled so damned good!  _

 

Shepard laughed, but she was too mortified to ask if she’d spoken that aloud as well. It didn’t take a genius to realize that she had. And so the short-lived saga of her life stationed on a frontline warship would come to a screeching, humiliating end. She’d go back to being a nobody gunnery chief stationed on another backwater planet, patrolling rose gardens. She sighed. 

 

“Almost there, chief.” Shepard’s voice was soothing, drawing her closer to him, nudging her towards sleep. The sandalwood-and-cinnamon smell was now tinged with the sweet smell of the whiskey he’d drank and a hint of smoke, and Ashley was sure she would die a happy woman if this was her last moment in this world. “Here we go.” 

 

She wasn’t sure how much time had passed. It seemed only a second after he told her they were almost there that he was easing her to her feet outside the women’s barracks at the Citadel’s Alliance HQ building. 

 

“You need me to go get Tali to… help you out of that?” He waved a hand toward her armor-clad self then looked away, clearly uncomfortable with a discussion of removing her clothing. 

 

“I’ll be fine,” she told him. “Thanks for getting me back safely, Skipper.” 

 

“No worries. Sleep it off, chief. Big day tomorrow.” 

 

Ashley leaned against her door, watching until Shepard disappeared down the hall where the officers quarters were located.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Find me on Tumblr: [ellebeedarling](https://ellebeedarling.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Much love,  
> Elle


End file.
